Thursday, December 31, 2015

Gratitude Journal, 2015

AAAANnnnnndddd we're back! 

I spent Christmas crushing a bottle of Perrier-Jouet and scratching lottery tickets with a pink paper crown on my head while binge-watching Season 1 of Homeland. My So-Called Life is ah-mazing and I obviously won Christmas. (If you got that joke, call me.)

Dear Reader, let me take a moment to give thanks and praise to Almighty God for the tiny little life He has given me fuckin balls-out brag:

I hired a Feng Shui consultant to give some recommendations about how to create a positive home environment, ideally to attract more health and wealth. She offered a few tips on decor, hung a few crystals, read my I-Ching fortune and blessed my door with a special prayer. Since that time there have been some really positive changes in my life. I highly recommend it. If you want her details, write a comment below. 

7 March: I am fixin to be done with the second of two of the coldest longest winters in Canadian history. A pair of winters that broke records and left a major lake frozen until June. I literally prayed for something to be green in all the winter white and when I attended the ballet, the opening scene included ballerinas jumping in green dresses. I was so starved for colour it felt like actual magic. I cried. 

Reader's Note: It's strange that I did not even make an entry until March 7, but that just proves how quickly you can fall back into your ungrateful despair spiral...

11 March: In order to lure an unsuspecting victim through the keyhole get a tenant for my condo I had to paint the walls a very specific institutional grey and my dearest friend V saved the day. So much gratitude. I also learned how to give myself a full-body orgasm using just the hot tub jets at my health club. Oh la la!

25 March: I ate dinner at a very conservative formal establishment and gazed upon a butter swan, the image of perfection. It was also filmed. My life is weird and wonderful.

27 March: On this day I received a pair of double stud pearl earrings for Easter and two free Starbucks, in fact so much free Starbucks the whole year long that it's obscene. I also ate fish and chips. Fish and chips always make this list.

6 April: I celebrated my five year anniversary at work! YAY ME Additionally, I heard a rumour - that was later proven true - about some horrible people at my previous job who had been investigated by the RCMP for insider trading, causing them to lose their jobs. I am grateful that I trusted my instincts about it being a toxic work environment and professionally severing myself from the whole shebang.

The most beautiful Spring I've ever witnessed, which led into the most fun summer in a bunch of summers. What is the collective noun for summers? A 'helios'?
A special thank you to the GO Train employee who helped find my yoga bag. Twice.
I stopped eating bread and potatoes.
The whore-slee and her brother-husband/pimp down the road found another place to fellate donkeys ply their trade. It's been absolute bliss without them.
I upgraded my degree to an Honours. Just cuz I'm badass.
I went to Costa Rica. I visited an active volcano in Nicaragua and swam with stingrays, who are the puppies of the sea.
A whole summer of gin and tanning at the yacht club.
I wore a fancy hat and made $150 at the track. I also made $1100 in 3 months on an investment in a down market. This is evidence that my investing philosophy makes money.

30 June: Made it with an honest-to-god vampire who drives a lemon yellow corvette, a body builder who doesn't and organized my first threesome. #squadgoals #achieved

4 Aug: My co-worker to the left bought me McDonald's breakfast for no reason. My co-worker to the right does accents, for all the wrong reasons. Does it get any better?

10 August: A man who dumped me on Valentine's Day asked me back. I politely decline. Instead I played frisbee with a 10 foot tall Romanian man on a nude beach.

20 August: I bowled a strike.*

25 Aug: My car got fixed. So grateful!

September was an ideal Indian Summer and I got organized!
Sunday afternoons shopping for housewares and quiet days dreaming of London and my UK work VISA. Sundays can be used in any way you feel and I used my blustery Sundays to study. I am so grateful for Sundays.
The church where my parents were married got reno'd. It's even better. 
I went for a drive in the country in my gorgeous car and it was spectacular. 

31 Oct: I spent Halloween in Puerto Vallarta. Nobody does Halloween like Mexico.

On my birthday I watched The Last Unicorn and ate a $90 cake. Then I was offered a new job with a better title and more money. I start in 2016.

Here's what my horoscope says:
The part of life that will be golden in 2016 is the part of your chart ruling friends. Several new faces are due to enter your life

They better like books, alcohol and know how to tie a slipknot.

The best of LUCK in the New Year, Dear Reader. I love writing for you and appreciate all the times you contacted me with comments, kudos and complaints. Take care of yo' bad selves!

Friday, November 13, 2015

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S2E10

You were. Never doubt it.

Episode 10: The New Queen Bee Bikini (Season 2 Finale)

More Meaningful Title: Ladies of London, brought to you by the makers of alcohol.

well, golly sheesh...
In the last (maybe the last, no NO not the last) opening sequence, I fall in love with these ridiculous fools all over again. Marissa speaks with her darling boy, setting the day's agenda and he adorably agrees to be a part of it. Juliet roasts a chicken for her dog's 2nd birthday and they sing happy birthday to it as a family. Lady Julie is playing with the wind. Caroline wanders around aimlessly in her closet is chipping toothpaste out of her son's hair. 

And we're back!
The person Annabelle visits Fleming and complains that Lady Julie has not been attentive enough. This is a lie. No one can ease Annabelle's suffering except Annabelle. Then Juliet and Lady Julie arrive, so basically the person Annabelle was talking behind the back of a woman who was DUE TO ARRIVE FOR LUNCH. Classy, weirdo. I thought it was going to be another silly round table, when suddenly...Get ready for a bomb to dropped, Dear Reader. Are you ready? Because I was not ready.

Fleming turns to Lady Julie and says that Caroline Stanbury had told her many months ago that Lady Julie was "afraid" of Fleming joining the princess protection program their little group. So what? Lady Julie is afraid of everything! Lady Julie is the only one on this show that should drink MORE. Lady Julie apologizes. Why did you bring it up, Fleming?

But that is not the bomb, here it comes...

Ever one to dance on someone's grave, the person Annabelle jumps into the fray and somehow thinks this conversation is about her. She tearfully attacks Lady Julie complaining that she didn't "kiss and cuddle" Annabelle enough when she was crying in Denmark. Lady Julie apologizes again. But the person Annabelle does not accept the apology BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS FUCKING SHOW HAS GONE THUS FARRRRRRrrrrr

Right now I literally hate Annabelle for manipulating this situation...

Actually, this is too horrible. I need a breather. You should take one too, Dear Reader.


Okay, I'm cool. Let's continue. 
Lady Julie flees the murder scene the luncheon (good for you!) to a hobbit-style second lunch with Marissa where she orders a white wine spritzer. What did I just say? Alcohol can solve this problem. Marissa correctly identifies that Lady Julie's first priority is to her(self) husband and children, then her business THEN her friends, plural. Lady Julie has gotten sucked into Annabelle's swirl; she signed on to be a friend and inadvertently became her mother.  Poor person Annabelle is her jealous fifth child throwing a tantrum, needing attention.

Meanwhile, at Gift-Library... I'm kidding, fuck off.
Caroline is a domestic goddess, drinking tea while her children engage in riotous hooliganism play. She misses Gift-Library. I can't see why, her handsome husband Cem has the greatest accent. I could put on a unicorn onesie and listen to him all day...

Marissa is hosting the person Annabelle's children's book reading at her restaurant Bumpkin. It's being organized at the last minute because Annabelle "lost her venue". Sounds familiar. The person Annabelle downplays the torture she put Lady Julie through. 

*the sound of nails on a blackboard

Because Marissa is DOING SOMETHING FOR FREE for the person Annabelle, Annabelle crowns her as new best-friend-in-training. Watch yourself Marissa, it's only a matter of time before she turns on you. That is how unresolved grief works.

Juliet is a fashion blogger, apparently. Good of the producers to make this revelation at the very end of Season 2. It is an idea born from the brain of Marissa. This Marissa woman is on fire, eh? She should be teaching at Harvard Business School, if that was the place you went to engage in collaborative experiences, which it isn't. Juliet markets herself as a "fashion guru". IF you say so, honey. She attends a store with a tall woman and proceeds to dress her. Cool. Is that it? Don't you need to write stuff, too? 'Cause "blogger" is what people call me, and it's because I write stuff in a blog... Am I being old-fashioned? Pedantic? OH! UPDATE: She means people take her picture wearing clothes, she puts it in a blog and that's it. Like a electronic scrapbook. Cool.

A mafia-style sit down between the person Annabelle and Caroline happens. Peppermint tea is ordered. As we already know, shit is about to get mad real. The air crackles with anticipation. What does Caroline do? She orders a glass of wine! I love her. She knows one of the unalterable rules of the universe is: Do not send tea to do alcohol's job.

Caroline has been unofficially elected to speak to Annabelle about her behaviour. She is a master surgeon, deftly pulling apart the layers and offering Annabelle a way out if she sincerely wants to break ties. The brilliance is that the unspoken is thereby laid bare: Stop abusing us if you want to stay friends. Then she invites the person Annabelle to a Tikibar-themed pool party at her home. No mixed messages there

Most Profound Statement of the Season
"Everyone was having their own personal drama as well as having a great time" - the person Annabelle, on the human condition

To Caroline's Estate in Surrey, everyone! 
I can't freaking wait!
The person Annabelle arrives without pants, in winter. What is with these women? Lady Julie patiently listens while the pants-less person Annabelle spews more of her fountain of bullshit. They hug. Annabelle is perfectly aware that she can control people by accusing them of being a bad friend. She lives in chaos. Caroline gives a small speech indicating that she thankful for her friends, closing the chapter of Gift-Library and then jumps in the pool followed by Fleming and everyone else. The evening ends with everyone drinking champagne in the hot tub. THE END

And how does this magnificent Odyssey end, Dear Reader? As we began, with each of the ladies in a talking head segment. But what they say is not nearly as interesting as what has happened since... 

The person Annabelle has decided not to return for a third Season. This is attention-grabbing bullshit, of course. She will, have no doubt. Speaking of which, it would be prudent if the producers spent the extra money to get some grief therapy for Annabelle to unwind the years of hatefulness she has been building up. (Writing a book ain't gonna do it.) She is currently directing her unbridled rage at Caroline, but this is a ruse and do not give it any creedence, Dear Reader. 

Lady Julie is her own man. Good for her. I predict she and Fleming will bond a bit more over a shared love of soup. 

Maybe they can bond with Marissa, who is busy building her food and drink empire. 

Caroline hates food so that relationship was never going to work. But Caroline and Juliet are the closest friends, vacationing together with their families. This does make sense because they both love fashion. (FA-SHUN!)

Food Caroline Talked About In This Episode
"Tuna Poke"

Food Caroline Actually Ate In This Episode
Tiny Chocolate bars

Don't forget to write! (Put it in her box.)